Posts Tagged ‘fiction’

The pain of walking away
Stays with me
But how could I evolve if I did stay?
How could we be happy?

Loving you was a metamorphosis
I never knew that loving you
Being lost in the taste of your kiss
Would transform me into something new

Tradgey struck
Loss greater than any love can heal
Here we were stuck
Life so painful and surreal

You lost a piece of you too soon
And I lost you
Time for the cocoon
Time to transform pain anew

There is no work here
Just waiting and processing it all
The cocoon makes you face fear
I wait wrapped in a shelled ball

Of thought and grief
Embracing the here and now
So still we are in our beliefs
But most evolve somehow

The time is coming for me too
Wake up and break free
Leave my cocoon and see anew
Butterfly wings will sprout from me

Before I can fly
I await in my cocoon
As my old self dies
And my new self will emerge soon

Until then I lay still
Letting us go in time so slow
Processing everything I did feel
Understanding it was best for me to grow





I was standing in the yard with my dog and the strangest thing occurred, I smelled vanilla and then  I saw a blue butterfly.  It fluttered so gracefully and I began thinking of my mother.  She always smells of vanilla.  She used to paint or make me blue butterflies when I was young.  She has even bought me a few but I’ve never actually have seen a live one before, until now.  I am entranced by it and then it fluttered off.  I go inside and receive a call my mother has been admitted to the ICU.  I get in my car and head to the hospital.

I rushed out of the car and walked what seemed a mile to get to the emergency doors but paused for a moment, distracted as another blue butterfly fluttered pass me.   Two blue butterflies in one day?  Is this a sign of something?  I gain my senses and head inside. 

Once inside I find myself a mouse in a maze attempting to find the intensive care unit.  I try to remember when was the last time I visited my folks.  What did we talk about?  It’s hazy now and I realize it has been some time since I had seen or talked with my mom.  I find a sign to the ICU waiting room and follow it down more halls but at the end I find I have more questions than answers.  How long has she been sick? Was this really something sudden?  What happened?  I see a woman crying and talking on her phone as I pass her in the hall.  I see three people in scrubs talking and joking with each other.  The place is pretty barren other than that.  Although it is rather late now.  I find the ICU hall and turn down one hall to enter into another.  The smell becomes a sweet sanitary stinch and I feel myself become queasy and realize the sign says I’m here but I’m confused.  My eyes become liquid as my thoughts run rampant.  I realize she may die.  I see a waiting area but no entry, only close doors.  There are people sitting beyond the glass in the waiting room.  One woman has her young child asleep on her with her arms wrapped around her.  Her face shows worry and sadness.  Two teenagers sit there fiddling with there phones and an elderly man is staring at the phone on the wall.  Perhaps he is waiting for news.  He looks worried too.  

Unclear of where to go, I feel shut out and closed off, as I feel the nausea creep up.  No one else is around, it all feels so surreal.  Then within the blur of my sight comes into my vision a nurse in green scrubs.  She gave me instructions and I discover there was north and south ICU ward.  Mom is in the north and I am in the south.  So typical that I would be on the opposite side of her. I frantically walk down the endless hallways.  It was always like that with us.  She was big on meat, I’m a vegetarian, she believes in marriage and I see no value in it for me.  I love having pets and she isn’t a fan.  Our relationship has always been a difficult one.  The list of the things we are opposite on could go on for days.  I finally find my way and I’ve been let in into the ward.

My mind reels with what my father told me over the phone before I got here.  His voice cracked as he strained to say it.  He sobbed, “She is critical, she could die, she is having trouble breathing and her stomach is bleeding out. ”

I’m not gonna cry but my vision blurs.  I blink to clearly see and the memory runs wet down my cheeks.   I remember her singing to me when I was five, singing happy birthday.  She made me a yellow bunny cake. I don’t know why I remember this now.  

I deeply breath in and breath out.  I’m greeted by the anesthesiologist who has me sign paperwork for her surgery.  People in scrubs are working at a fast pace and my mind begins to slow as I finally catch wind to what the anesthesiologist is telling me.

“Are you next of kin?” 

 “Um yeah, I’m her daughter.”

“Ok did you speak to the nurse yet?” 

 “No I just got here.”

“The doctor will be in soon and will explain it to you.  Tomorrow she will have surgery. We need your signature here to authorize.” 

 I sign the paperwork.  I am told which room she is in.  I step inside to complete chaos.  There she is,  still within the mess of tubes and machines.  Nurses and doctors speaking  medical mumbo jumbo lingo and the room is full of people.  I see her eyes open and locked on to the ceiling. 

My father had stepped out to call her brothers.   She was stable when he left.   Then the machines made a racket and she shook and the machine made a horrible noise a beep that froze.  It was deafing and I call out her name and the tears flow from my eyes now.  I rush to grab her hand but they pull me away.   They usher me out as she flatlines.  They close the blinds so I can’t see in.  My heart is racing, terrified. 

Then I smell the scent of vanilla again and to my amazement a blue butterfly appears as tears flow from my broken heart and I realize somehow she is with me right now.  I can feel her.  I whisper to the butterfly, “I love you mom, please don’t go, not yet.”   I look up and hear the beat on the machine resume a beep sound and someone say that she has a heartbeat.   I look up and when I looked backed down the butterfly was gone.   Once things calmed down and my mother was stable again, my dad returned and they let us back into the room with her.


I set my alarm to wake me at six in the morning and I have decided tomorrow morning I will wake up, have breakfast, workout and walk the dog before I go to work. What could go wrong? My dog hops into bed and takes over the left side.  He looks at me, waiting for me.  I slip into bed next to him.

It’s nine o’clock and I close my eyes to drift to sleep.  Thoughts of the day pass through my mind.  I start reliving moments with customers that really bothered me.  I just try to clear my mind as it begins to stress me out.

Nine-thirty, I began thinking about Jim and  recall our fight we had a couple of days ago.  I begin to wonder why he hasn’t called to work it out.  Perhaps it’s for the best and I try to think myself into being single.  I’m on facebook on my phone.  I’m looking at my relationship status and I wonder if I should change it from being in a relationship to “it’s complicated”.

Ten o’clock, I realize I probably shouldn’t have drank that green tea right before going to bed. Off to the bathroom I go and I grab my phone, I check it and see I have a missed text.  It’s from Jim.  I can’t help but think he is my “it’s complicated” guy.   Nothing can be simple or easy with him.  Part of what attracts me to him and in the same it frustrates the hell out of me.  After three years with him, I thought it would be easier but now I wonder how compatable we really are.

I look at the clock glaring ten thirty and wonder why I can’t sleep?  Why did I look at my darn phone?!  Now I can’t stop thinking about him.  I am confused about us.  I am thinking about walking away for good.  I begin to feel frustrated I’m not asleep, frustrated I have to pee again and frustrated with Jim.

It’s midnight and I am almost done with writing and editing another chapter of my never ending book.   I pick up my phone again after I return from the bathroom….again!  I change my alarm to wake me at seven instead.  I decide I will have to walk the dog after work.  I start organizing my schedule for the week.  I cuddle with the dog who is trying to ignore me cause he is happily sleeping.

One in the morning and I am playing word with friends scrabble. I have 30 games.  I push back my alarm to eight in the morning.  I remember memories that seem unimportant, I’m not sure why I am thinking of them now.  The client from this morning that got under my skin replays in my mind.  I breath and focus on clearing out my thoughts again.  I remember the first time Jim kissed me.  How he pursued me relentlessly and now he goes almost two days without a word.  Just a text that doesn’t help clarify or resolve anything!  I feel we are not right for each other anymore.  I hate how this feels.  I’m frustrated I’m not asleep and I have to go to the damn bathroom again!

Two in the morning, I’ve given up all hope and pushed my alarm to ten.  I don’t have to be in the office until noon.  I will just skip my work out.  I pick up a book and read some. It perhaps was not the best choice, as it is filled with all sorts of interesting stuff and it is hard to stop reading, especially when things get steamy but then I start thinking of Jim again and feel sad and I miss being held by his big strong arms.  I miss how good he smells.  Then I realize my bladder is the size of a peanut.  How can one cup of green tea make me pee this much?!

Three o’clock, I decide take the dog out for a brief walk in my pjs after I pee.  I put on a coat and head out into the brisk morning with my dog in tow. Strange how quite the neighborhood is.  We get to the creek that runs through the neighborhood.  In the stillness I hear a croaking symphony of what sounds like a hundred bullfrogs.  My dog is happily on a mission to leave his mark and pays no attention to the slimey buggers.  He finds his spot next to the biggest toad I’ve ever seen.  The toad doesn’t move and keeps croaking. It’s a surreal moment.  I wonder if I did fall asleep.  I look up at the stars and they shine so brightly with a haze in the sky.  It looked like the Milky Way.   The moon is full and bright.  I push my two fingers into my other hand to see if they slip through my flesh.  They don’t, this is how I know I am still awake.  My dog has accomplished his mission and he happily walks me back to the house.  I think it was a perfect time to walk in my pjs and flip flops.  I take off my jacket.  My dog gets some water and food and I send a text to Jim as I head back to the dam bathroom.  I have decided to forgive him and tell him I miss his sexy ass and want to know when he will be available for some naughty fun with me?

Three-forty-five, I am in shock I am still awake as I am now back in bed laying in the dark and hating on my clock, as I stare it down.  The dog is fast asleep.  I feel like he has a super power of sleep, how does he do it?!

Four-fourteen, I lie there trying to mediate to calm my busy mind.  Shortly after I finally drift off.

Eleven in the morning I wake up, realizing I set my alarm wrong.  Now I’m late and I rush to get ready and be off.  I step in the shower.  I did not hear Jim come in.  He surprises me and slips into the shower.  He tells me he misses me and he is sorry.  I feel so happy in this moment and enjoy his lips as I taste relief and joy.  I feel his strong arms wrapped around my waste.  I decide to call in sick and spend the day in bed….with my “it’s complicated” guy.